


An Unlikely (and inept) Hero

by PhoenixAlthor



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-05
Updated: 2015-06-05
Packaged: 2018-04-02 23:47:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,412
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4078525
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PhoenixAlthor/pseuds/PhoenixAlthor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Citadel is overrun by crime. C-Sec can't possibly keep up. What they need is a hero. Someone willing to fight the baddies and keep the Citadel safe.<br/>This is where Conrad Verner steps in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Unlikely (and inept) Hero

**Author's Note:**

> This is for the drabble challenge at Mass Effect Fanfiction Writers on Facebook.  
> Prompt: Touching something you shouldn't.  
> Characters: Udina and Conrad.
> 
> I gotta say I loved writing this. Getting into Conrad's head was so much fun. So I hope you enjoy reading as much as I did writing it.

Conrad Verner snuck around the next corner in one of the shadier parts of Zackera ward. Apparently the very nice lady in the strip club down the road had tipped him off that there was going to be a very important weapons deal going on down here in the next hour. Conrad counted himself very lucky that he had met her and revealed to her his special skills in crime fighting. After this he thought he might go back and find her again. Crystal really seemed to like him, didn't mind him talking to her. True he had run out of money to give her, but that was when she had given him this very handy hint about the illegal weapons deal that was happening that evening. Crystal knew that he could handle the situation and put a stop to it. C-Sec just didn't have enough influence in this part of the ward. 

This is where they needed a hero.

And this is where Conrad Verner stepped in.

He wanted to be just like his hero, Commander Shepard. Solving crimes and saving people. He would prove to her that he was cut out for this and maybe, just maybe she might finally recommend him for the spectres. Now that would be exciting. Travelling the galaxy, fighting bad guys and handing out justice. But he had to start somewhere. He didn't have much luck on Illium, so he came back to the Citadel. And as luck would have it, he found something straight away.

Conrad pulled out his knife and held it ready in his hand. He didn't have a gun yet so the blade would have to do. Perhaps after this job he would get rewarded and he could buy a gun then. Every hero needed a gun. Even Commander Shepard.

There was an abandoned warehouse ahead. Nobody was about yet. Conrad had been watching the entrance for a good half hour waiting for someone to turn up. It was quite cramped where he was hiding behind an overflowing trash can. And very smelly. Sardines, he thought. Or maybe mackerel. Well there was definitely a very fishy smell to his hiding place. But Conrad ignored it. And the rather suspicious stain that was spreading on his knees as he sat in the dirt.

Two hours later found Conrad still crouched in the dirt behind the dumpster. He had fallen asleep. He didn't mean it to happen. He had just been so tired even before the stake out.

When suddenly Conrad jerked awake, a look of confusion on his face. He quickly wiped the drool from his mouth as he tried to figure out what had woken him. He shifted from his position stumbling slightly (his damned leg had gone to sleep as well) and had to fling out his hands onto the ground lest he fall out onto the street revealing himself to whatever lay beyond. Good thing too because there were voices sounding from nearby. Quite possibly from the warehouse that Conrad was staking out. The bad thing was the stuff that his hands landed in. Conrad made a face as he held his hands up. What was this stuff? He tentatively gave it a little sniff but recoiled from it almost straight away. It was green, slimy and really, really smelled. Like sulphur mixed with a hint of old lady. There was nothing to wipe his hands with, so Conrad had no choice but to use his jacket. He took it off and tried to get rid of the worst of the 'stuff' and decided to leave his coat where it was. He would pick it up later. Right now he had a job to do.

So ignoring the fact that he now stank of fish, sulphur and old lady, Conrad chanced a peek over the top of the dumpster.

Ah ha! There were indeed two men standing by the door to the warehouse speaking in hushed tones. One of them was a tall man, rather muscular with a buzz cut and a silly little pencil moustache. And the other was smaller, with balding hair, rich clothes and a rather annoying nasally voice.

The men made their way inside the warehouse. As the door was closing behind them, Conrad made a dash for it and only just managed to put his foot in the door before it shut properly and locked him out.

Inside it was very dark. He couldn't see where the two men had gone. Conrad stood there just inside the doorway and froze with fear. Ever since he had been a kid he had been afraid of the dark. And he felt it closing in, suffocating him. For a moment, Conrad considered turning back and forgetting about this whole thing. But before he could do that, a light came on. It looked as if it was in a room at the far end of the warehouse. Conrad let out a breath that he hadn't realised he'd been holding and started to move forward. 

Commander Shepard wouldn't run away from mere darkness. And nor would Conrad Verner.  
As he got closer to the lit up room, Conrad heard the voices again. Sneaking ever so quietly to the lone window, he ducked down and listened to their conversation.

" - will offer you many rewards for your service," said Buzz Cut.

Baldy snorted, "The only reward I need is Shepard gone and humanity's place in this galaxy secured."

"Very well, I am sure that can be arranged," Buzz Cut sneered. "You scratch our back and we'll scratch yours."

Conrad was starting to panic now. Commander Shepard was in danger! He had to do something.

"None of this comes back to me, understand," Baldy was speaking again in his nasally voice. "I will provide you with the necessary codes but my name must be kept out of all this. Humanity will look to someone to pick up the pieces after the chaos and I fully intend for that to be me."

Conrad chanced a peek over the window still. Both men's backs were to him. What was he going to do? He reached for his knife and silently cursed to himself when he realised he had left it out in the alley. He couldn't go back for it so he had to improvise. Conrad quickly looked around himself. The warehouse was pitch black. The only things he could see were the room with the two men in it. Buzz Cut was standing nearest to the window and on closer inspection he had a pistol strapped to his hip.

And the window was open. 

What luck! The window was actually open. True it was only open a little. But just enough to squeeze a hand through. So before Conrad could talk himself out of it, he stuck his hand through the crack and went to grab the gun. If he was quick he figured he could snatch the pistol and shoot both men before they realised what was happening. And in doing so save Commander Shepard's life.

However there was a tiny flaw in this plan. Buzz Cut moved just as Conrad was about to grab the gun and instead grabbed something else. This 'something else' was much softer and rounder. And felt quite nice actually. But now was not the time to be contemplating the merits of a wonderfully toned yet soft, right bum cheek.

Buzz Cut froze mid sentence and Baldy peered at his companion curiously. Then he spotted Conrad's hand through the window. The next few seconds seemed to last an eternity as everyone was in shock. Conrad still had his hand on Buzz Cut's bum and couldn't seem to remove it. He was like a deer caught in headlights. He'd been caught. 

_Run away! Run away!_ His brain was yelling at him. But his body didn't seem to want to listen.

And before he knew it, Buzz Cut had opened the window fully, grabbed Conrad by the collar, hauled him bodily through into the room and slammed him onto the floor. He hit his head really hard on the floor and could feel unconsciousness creeping in. But before he blacked out he saw Buzz Cut's snarling face directly in front of him. Surprisingly his last thought wasn't fear of being killed. Or tortured. But the fact that this man had a pencil moustache and it looked really, really silly. 

Conrad Verner fell unconscious with a smile on his lips.


End file.
